They've been pushing the blood drive here at work on us for weeks now.  I didn't bother signing up way in advance because I'm a lazy jerk.  This morning, though, another e-mail about us missing the donation goal finally guilted me into signing up.

The appointed time came and I was psyched about getting a solid hourlong break from work or so (I figured I could try to feign passing out to stretch it for longer, but I don't think they'd buy it from a 185-lb dude).  I passed all the medical tests with flying colors, naturally, and I didn't even cry like a baby when they pricked my finger.

After the whole screening ordeal, the nurse/technician/whatever started running down the list of exclusion questions.  We didn't even get to the embarrassing ones when she asked if I'd taken any medication.  I almost said no, but then I remembered how much I loved my steroids last week. I told her I took my last pill Monday and she whipped out an enormous binder and poured over it for several minutes.

Finally, she looked up at me solemnly.  "I'm sorry, you can't donate blood today," she said.  Apparently, just like handguns, there is a waiting period on giving blood after taking various drugs.  Since the window was three days and Tuesday was my first "clean" day, I can't even sign up for the donations tomorrow.  "Don't worry," she said. "You'll be able to donate at the main center as early as Friday." Yeah, right. Sure thing.  It took desperate pleas from HR just to get me to take time off work, what makes them think I'm going to drive all the way to the center?

The worst part of it all?  The walk of shame past all the people who saw me go in five minutes before.  People get rejected from giving blood for all sorts of reasons, but I know they were all totally eyeing the little handout thinking "Hmm...  I wonder if he got rejected for number 6 [in the past 12 months have you taken cocaine intranasally or intraveinously?] or if it was for number 8 [have you ever been a prostitute since 1977]?"

The guy at reception called after me telling me I forgot to pick up the complimentary gift of an empty flowerpot (presumably there's a seed in that dirt somewhere), adding insult to injury.  "Um, I was rejected for" at this point I raised my voice to make sure everyone heard "taking a prescription drug, do I still get the plant?"  He told me I got an 'A' for at least trying, so I felt a little better.  Now hopefully I won't kill it.

    -Tucker