Oh, those crazy celebs.  Is there anything they won't do or say when wasted?  Some of them seem to go out of their way to do ridiculous things - of course, they get away with far, far more than "normal" people would ever have a dream. Somehow, though, we always seem to forgive them one way or another.

In light of Mel Gibson's drunken, anti-semetic tirade, I decided to come up with a Celebrity Drunkenness Scale.  This way, when you're describing last weekend to your friends, you can say things like "dude, I was totally Keifer Sutherland wasted" or "after that tequila shot I was feeling it like David Hasselhoff."  If you wind up in a jail cell, you might want to bust out a "I guess I really Mel Gibson'd up this time..."  Here we go, 10 being the most obliterated.

0 - When you're the dude who the beer is named after, it's probably not a good idea to get a DUI. Unfortunately, Pete Coors didn't get the memo when he was pulled over for blowing a stop sign around the corner from his house in his company's beloved Colorado. The worst part? He blew a .088 in a state whose legal limit is .08. I knew Coors Light was watered down.

1 - When you're real drunk and feeling like a one-hit wonder, throw some back like Chris Klein.  He got busted for blowing a .20 in California, but there's no information about whether or not Stiffler's mom made him do it. 

2 - Matthew Perry was a pretty notorious drunk, then he decided to clean himself up.  It didn't last long, since he went to rehab TWICE and fell off the wagon.  Then he tried prescription drugs to fight the battle - only to wind up in the hospital for drugs again in 2005. Try to keep this star's struggle in mind if you're reaching for that "one last drink."

3 - In a bid for worst mug shot EVER, Nick Nolte got busted for a DUI in '02.  Forget what he was doing at the time and reflect for a moment on how someone could look so unbelievably bad AND be wearing a ridiculous Hawiian shirt. Looking at that photo is almost like looking into the sun.

4 - For those times you get in a bar fight that ends with one of your buddies getting stabbed, put on your best Vince Vaughn face. He was arrested after the brawl with no serious damage, but Steve Buscemi didn't fare as well - he got stabbed a few times.

5 - Guess they "Lost" their designated driver, since Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros both got DUIs in the same night.  Too bad Rodriguez was already on probation in California for another DUI. When both of them were killed off in the same episode, fans thought "hmm, a message?" but the producers insist the two were destined for the grave all along.

6 - Lots of people come to work hungover from time to time, but then again we don't make millions of dollars a film like Lindsay Lohan.  All I know is I've never gotten a letter from my boss saying "We are well aware that your ongoing all-night heavy partying is the real reason for your so-called 'exhaustion.'"

7 - Keifer Sutherland told Rolling Stone that he polishes off tons of J&B Scotch then rides around the subway wasted. He also attacked a Christmas tree at a hotel party for no particularly good reason. When you turn into the class clown after a few drinks, you're Keifer Sutherland wasted.

8 - If you're ever described as "steaming drunk" only to later deny it, you must have been David Hasselhoff drunk.  He's bad enough to begin with - imagine him after a few vodkas?

9 - Matthew McConaghey got busted after cops showed up on a noise complaint and found him dancing around naked, smoking weed, drinking and playing the bongos with another half-naked man.  Way to go, pal, there's really not much more to say.

10 - Gotta be Mel Gibson.  Celebs usually get a few cracks in or wrangle with the cops a bit, but I'm pretty sure a guy who made a huge film about Jesus going off against jews takes the cake. I don't recall when, exactly, it was that Mel went completely overboard, but it really sounds like he belongs in the loony bin alongside Tom Cruise.

    -Tucker

My roommate's just about to finish up her Physician's Assistant program at DeSales, and she's got a big ole' test coming up in September.  That means I get to see all sorts of medical textbooks lying around the apartment.  Yesterday, I sat on the couch and looked down at the book lying on the coffee table - open to the chapter on cirrhosis.  I asked her if she was trying to give me a hint or something, but she laughed and said she needed to work on her knowledge of the liver.  Riiight...

Anway, I started reading through it a bit (she insisted it was an "easy" textbook that "most people" could read and understand - bull. shit.).  In the symptoms section, there were all sorts of different things, but one in particular caught my eye.  It said "patients with cirrhosis caused by chronic alcoholism may appear wasted."  Well no shit, they're alcoholics, they're always wasted!

I know, I know - the text is referring to 'wasted' as in 'wasted away' like Christian Bale in The Machinist, but it was still really funny to read.  The best part was that she'd underlined 'wasted,' so there was all the more emphasis.  Yeah, I'm pretty easily amused.

    -Tucker

So, you probably already read about my episode during my blood donation yesterday. I have to say that everyone was very helpful and nice about that whole thing - the nurses, I mean (people at work just teased me). I felt sick the rest of the day and night and I vowed this morning to never give blood again.

Then, just a few minutes ago, my cell phone rang. I usually don't answer numbers I don't know but I went for it this time. It was one of the people from the Miller-Keystone Blood Center just calling to check in on me and make sure I was feeling okay today. That was so nice!

Now I feel bad for my rant about not giving more blood. I guess next time I'll just eat a ton of food before I do it and make sure I don't have plans for afterward.

Sure, they were probably only calling so there would be no potential for a lawsuit but the lady on the phone seemed sincerely interested in how I was doing so that was enough for me.

- Judianne

I went to give blood today. Unlike some folks in my office, I got through the screening and into the chair. I'm usually okay with needles so I wasn't worried. When she put it in it really hurt. I actually yelled OUCH and then I felt bad because it was kind of rude and I think it made her feel bad. But still... it hurt! Anyway... the rest went fine until she pulled the needle out. I immediately got dizzy. Then my eyes started to get fuzzy and dark. Then my hearing became muffled and I felt like I was going to pass out. I made a quick mention that I didn't feel right. The nurse calmly but loudly said "ice pack" and in a moment every nurse in the room was attending to me - padding my body with ice, taking off my shoes, shifting my chair back so my feet were above my heart, moving my legs around and telling me to cough hard. It went on like that for a few minutes and then I finally started to feel right again. It was scary. "Did you eat breakfast," asked one nurse. I shook my head to indicate that I hadn't and then they all shook their heads to indicate disappointment. Oops - my bad.

After the "episode" they had to fill out an "incident report" and keep me monitored for about another half hour or so. They forced two cans of coke down my throat (I hate Coke) along with some cookies and popcorn (that part wasn't so bad). I was feeling better but my blood pressure wasn't rising so I had to sit a little longer. Finally, they let me go with a wary look in their eyes calling after to me to make sure I ate lunch right away. I did but I still feel tired and awful and I hope all that was worth it to someone who will get my blood someday.

- Judianne

Some people have bad hair days, bad fashion days, etc.  Today is a bad computer day for me.  First of all, my PC is running slower than usual.  It's a piece of crap anyway, and typically is just barely on the border of usable, but today it's ridiculous.  Unfortunately, my own workstation is not the end of the day's computer woes.

I went over to our multimedia editing workstation, which is easily the best PC on the floor, ready to get together our latest batch of Merge Messages.  Everything seemed normal at first, it was running nice and fast as usual.  When I tried to import the video, however, it just locked up.  I rebooted, same thing.

After about an hour applying every software and driver update I could find, tinkering around with various settings and rebooting ad nauseum, still no dice.  Now I had a broken computer, wasted time and my own slow-ass workstation to look forward to.

Looks like I'll be doing the Merge Messages from home tonight.  Here's wishing a speedy recovery to the media PC...  With Musikfest coming the last thing we need is to have that sucker out of commission.

    -Tucker

They've been pushing the blood drive here at work on us for weeks now.  I didn't bother signing up way in advance because I'm a lazy jerk.  This morning, though, another e-mail about us missing the donation goal finally guilted me into signing up.

The appointed time came and I was psyched about getting a solid hourlong break from work or so (I figured I could try to feign passing out to stretch it for longer, but I don't think they'd buy it from a 185-lb dude).  I passed all the medical tests with flying colors, naturally, and I didn't even cry like a baby when they pricked my finger.

After the whole screening ordeal, the nurse/technician/whatever started running down the list of exclusion questions.  We didn't even get to the embarrassing ones when she asked if I'd taken any medication.  I almost said no, but then I remembered how much I loved my steroids last week. I told her I took my last pill Monday and she whipped out an enormous binder and poured over it for several minutes.

Finally, she looked up at me solemnly.  "I'm sorry, you can't donate blood today," she said.  Apparently, just like handguns, there is a waiting period on giving blood after taking various drugs.  Since the window was three days and Tuesday was my first "clean" day, I can't even sign up for the donations tomorrow.  "Don't worry," she said. "You'll be able to donate at the main center as early as Friday." Yeah, right. Sure thing.  It took desperate pleas from HR just to get me to take time off work, what makes them think I'm going to drive all the way to the center?

The worst part of it all?  The walk of shame past all the people who saw me go in five minutes before.  People get rejected from giving blood for all sorts of reasons, but I know they were all totally eyeing the little handout thinking "Hmm...  I wonder if he got rejected for number 6 [in the past 12 months have you taken cocaine intranasally or intraveinously?] or if it was for number 8 [have you ever been a prostitute since 1977]?"

The guy at reception called after me telling me I forgot to pick up the complimentary gift of an empty flowerpot (presumably there's a seed in that dirt somewhere), adding insult to injury.  "Um, I was rejected for" at this point I raised my voice to make sure everyone heard "taking a prescription drug, do I still get the plant?"  He told me I got an 'A' for at least trying, so I felt a little better.  Now hopefully I won't kill it.

    -Tucker

Movie extras aren't always worth the wait. I'm not talking easy-to-navigate DVD options but post-credit, in-theater extra scenes. We all know that they can be a treat but sometimes it's just a waste of time. Let me forewarn all of you that you that there is a scene after the credits in 'Pirates 2' that is absolutely NOT worth the wait through long lists of boat captains and animators. I won't tell you what it is but I will tell you that it has nothing to do with the main portion of the plot and nothing to do with the next movie. It's just silly and extremely short and not really even worth mentioning again.

The only reason I am mentioning it now is that I had a friend make a very big deal about me being sure to stay after the credits for a "scene" that was "really great." It's just not so, people. Sorry to burst your bubble if you've heard otherwise. I'm not sure I would even call it a scene because it's only a couple of seconds. So, if you're not prone to sit around and watch the credits roll by usually don't go out of your way with this one. The only interesting thing I got out of that whole post-movie thing was the name of Johnny Depp's dentist and his stand-in (and that's not really all that interesting).

- Judianne

PS: The movie is great. See it, but make sure you see the first one FIRST.

Half of the crap we use every day has a battery in it.  Whether it's a tiny watch battery, a disposable AA-style cell or any number of rechargeable types, the battery is a pretty essential piece of equipment in today's crazy electronificated world.

That's why it's really damn annoying when the damn things die early or refuse to charge.  My two most recent woes were from the two battery-powered devices I use the most: my cell phone and my iPod.  The phone had one of these weird issues where it became a battery eater.  I'd get maybe an hour of talk time or just slightly over a full workday's worth of standby time before the thing would drop cold dead.  I started to get used to requiring a car charger and carrying around extra power adapters... until I said screw it and got a new phone.

The iPod, on the other hand, gives me a whole different world of annoyance.  The battery lasts for a good long while, which means I very often forget to charge it.  Recently I figured no problem, I'd just bring the USB cable along and charge it while using it at work.  Not so fast - no can do.  After scouring the Internet, I found a few obscure references to ejecting the iPod from iTunes to enable charge-while-in-use action, but for the life of me I simply can not get it to work on my computer here at the office.  It's bloody annoying, and sometimes living a tune-less workday is just hell.

Give me some kind of fuel cell, or super-efficient solar cell, or crazy wireless power broadcast - hell, let me tap into Oprah's unholy well of souls if it'll give me juice when I need it.  Just find a better solution than these crap-ass, short-term batteries we have now!

    -Tucker

First of all, I'm an enormous Kevin Smith fan.  I'm one of those guys who can quote a good portion of any of his flicks, especially Clerks, Mallrats and Chasing Amy.  I really didn't have any fears about Clerks II, though I know a lot of fans cried "blasphemy."

I think the most important thing to keep in mind going into the film is what, exactly, Clerks was.  It was a film about two slackers talking about the meaningless and sometimes (ok, often) offensive things that made their lives seem worthwhile.  Clerks II is the same thing.  Some people don't want that, but I rather enjoyed the update on Dante and Randall.

As far as being offensive, I can't really say I've seen a more offensive film recently.  There are quite a few cringe-worthy moments, and it was excellent.  There's nothing like uncomfortable laughter in a crowded theater.  The movie isn't for everyone, and if you're looking for some of Smith's more insightful work, look elsewhere.  In fact, look only at Chasing Amy, since that's just about his only semi-serious film.

I hate to say it's a movie just for fans, but it might be.  I think a lot of people have misguided views of what Kevin Smith films are: they're just funny, rude and stupid.  Sure, the dialog is witty and occasionally somewhat intelligent, but that doesn't mean these are movies to be contemplated.  It's all about hearing what the characters will say next and how they'll say it.

The timing and chemistry between Brian O'Halloran and Jeff Anderson was as great as it was in the first film, though they've both put on a bit of weight (Anderson definitely hasn't aged as well as the rest of the cast).  There are some awesome Jay and Silent Bob moments, of course, and a list of cameos that'll make most Smith fans happy.

I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I'm sure other people will think I'm nuts.  I can't wait for the inevitable DVD release so I can hear some of the lines that got drowned out by laughing.  Just be careful of bringing anyone who's even remotely prudish or easily offended, or you'll be very sorry.

    -Tucker

Last night I hit the sack fully expecting a good night's rest.  There was nothing to lead me to believe things would go otherwise, but it turns out I was mistaken.  Around 3:30 a.m., my phone rang.  I looked at it in a half-asleep dazed stupor and saw that it was my roommate.  I knew she'd gone out to the bar, but for some reason I figured it was a mis-dial or accident or something, so I let it go to voicemail.  A second later, I got a text message: "help."

That woke me up but fast, so I snatched up the phone to call her back.  Dozens of scenarios floated through my head - was she stranded at the bar, too drunk to drive home? Couldn't be, bars were closed for over an hour already. Was she stuck at some creepy guy's place, ready to grab the pepper spray?  Did her car break down in one of the really bad sections of Allentown?

No. She picked up, and I asked what was wrong. She left her keys in the apartment and needed to be let in.  Great.  I grumbled, quickly threw on clothes and unlocked the door. I also told her to mind her keys - two days ago I had to bring her spare car key to her at lunch because she locked the car and apartment keys inside.

Why can't I get phone calls at 3:30 a.m. from good looking damsels in real distress?  Just my luck that when I'm letting girls in late at night, they already live in the damn place.  I don't mean to wish bad things on anyone, but it would be pretty sweet to play the hero from time to time.  Oh well, I guess I just have to settle for small rescues of roommates and friends for now.

    -Tucker