Posted by Tucker Hottes at 02:13:11 PM on July 31, 2006
Total Comments: 1
Oh, those crazy celebs. Is there anything they won't do or say when wasted? Some of them seem to go out of their way to do ridiculous things - of course, they get away with far, far more than "normal" people would ever have a dream. Somehow, though, we always seem to forgive them one way or another.
In light of Mel Gibson's drunken, anti-semetic tirade, I decided to come up with a Celebrity Drunkenness Scale. This way, when you're describing last weekend to your friends, you can say things like "dude, I was totally Keifer Sutherland wasted" or "after that tequila shot I was feeling it like David Hasselhoff." If you wind up in a jail cell, you might want to bust out a "I guess I really Mel Gibson'd up this time..." Here we go, 10 being the most obliterated.
0 - When you're the dude who the beer is named after, it's probably not
a
good idea to get a DUI. Unfortunately, Pete Coors didn't get the memo
when he was pulled over for blowing a stop sign around the corner from
his house in his company's beloved Colorado. The worst part? He blew a
.088 in a state whose legal limit is .08. I knew Coors Light was
watered down.
1 - When you're real drunk and feeling like a one-hit wonder, throw some back like Chris Klein. He got busted for blowing a .20 in California, but there's no information about whether or not Stiffler's mom made him do it.
2 - Matthew Perry was a pretty notorious drunk, then he decided to clean himself up. It didn't last long, since he went to rehab TWICE and fell off the wagon. Then he tried prescription drugs to fight the battle - only to wind up in the hospital for drugs again in 2005. Try to keep this star's struggle in mind if you're reaching for that "one last drink."
3 - In a bid for worst mug shot EVER, Nick Nolte got busted for a DUI in '02. Forget what he was doing at the time and reflect for a moment on how someone could look so unbelievably bad AND be wearing a ridiculous Hawiian shirt. Looking at that photo is almost like looking into the sun.
4 - For those times you get in a bar fight that ends with one of your
buddies getting stabbed, put on your best Vince Vaughn face. He was
arrested after the brawl with no serious damage, but Steve Buscemi
didn't fare as well - he got stabbed a few times.
5 - Guess they "Lost" their designated driver, since Michelle Rodriguez
and Cynthia Watros both got DUIs in the same night. Too bad Rodriguez
was already on probation in California for another DUI. When both of
them were killed off in the same episode, fans thought "hmm, a
message?" but the producers insist the two were destined for the grave
all along.
6 - Lots of people come to work hungover from time to time, but then again
we don't make millions of dollars a film like Lindsay Lohan. All I
know is I've never gotten a letter from my boss saying "We are well
aware that your ongoing all-night heavy partying is the real reason for
your so-called 'exhaustion.'"
7 - Keifer Sutherland told Rolling Stone that he polishes off tons of
J&B Scotch then rides around the subway wasted. He also attacked a
Christmas tree at a hotel party for no particularly good reason. When
you turn into the class clown after a few drinks, you're Keifer
Sutherland wasted.
8 - If you're ever described as "steaming drunk" only to later deny it,
you must have been David Hasselhoff drunk. He's bad enough to begin
with - imagine him after a few vodkas?
9 - Matthew McConaghey got busted after cops showed up on a noise
complaint and found him dancing around naked, smoking weed, drinking
and playing the bongos with another half-naked man. Way to go, pal,
there's really not much more to say.
10 - Gotta be Mel Gibson. Celebs usually get a few cracks in or
wrangle with the cops a bit, but I'm pretty sure a guy who made a huge
film about Jesus going off against jews takes the cake. I don't recall when, exactly, it was that Mel went completely overboard, but it really sounds like he belongs in the loony bin alongside Tom Cruise.
-Tucker
