Last night I had the extreme displeasure to watch the IMAX version of Superman Returns in an OMNIMAX theater.  It was the single worst moviegoing experience of my entire life.  I cannot sling enough hatred toward the Franklin Institute for subjecting me to two and a half hours of torture.  Here is an itemized list of complaints.

"Superman Returns: An IMAX 3D Experience" - "using a proprietary 2D to 3D conversion technology blah blah blah, bullSHIT."  My friend (who flew up from Florida for this "experience") commented as we took our seats, "Umm, if it's 3D who's handing out the glasses?"  His concern deepened, so he sought out a pimply faced employee to find out what was going on.  Oops, sorry, no 3D for you, OMNIMAX theaters can't do it. I don't have some kind of crazy NEED for 3D or anything, but shit - if that's part of the deal, they better damn well deliver.  Glad I didn't pay for tickets.

OMNIMAX isn't IMAX - The theater is a completely different shape, the distance from the screen is much different, the curvature of the screen is different, and the aspect ratio on the projection is different.  This rendered the film nearly unwatchable.  Because we were SO DAMN CLOSE to the screen, and because the screen is meant to wrap around the audience, there was a basic requirement of transforming into a freaking owl just to follow two characters.  The opening recap credits nearly required a full body twist.  People were actually laughing at how ridiculous this was.

My, what nice curves you have - I'm all about looking at things projected on the inside of a fishbowl if they're filmed in that aspect ratio, but wrapping a standard film turns anything even remotely close to the edge of the screen into a silly, distorted mess.  Somehow I don't think Lois Lane's ass is four times the size of her head in real life. My biggest gripe with other feature films on IMAX was the slight bending toward the very extreme edges, but this was comical.

Does a chiropracter come with the ticket? - I was in physical pain the entire time.  This morning, I felt like someone went to town on my back and neck with a baseball bat.  Again, the screen was so damn close, the seats so uncomfortable and there was so much required head-turning that I'm surprised my spine didn't just give out altogether.  Seriously, there was no possible way to get comfortable.  Imagine doing this for two and a half hours.

Action? What action - Anytime anything even remotely quick happened on screen, we might as well have all just pulled out a book to read.  It was impossible to follow even mundane action sequences because there's no way the human eyes and head can take in even a small portion of 180 degrees of a projected image moving at any sort of speed.  Even picking a spot and focusing on it hoping for something cool to happen was useless, because...

Bryan Singer directed the movie - If you're familiar with any of his work, he likes to cram in as many visuals into as few frames of film as possible.  This usually isn't too noticeable, or too terrible, until for a three second conversation you're forced to turn your head to look in ten completely different directions.  Maybe a David Fincher movie with ten-minute long unbroken camera cuts would work, but since Singer obviously wears a T-shirt that says "I heart video editing equipment," most of the film was an exercise in "find the character on the too-large screen."

I really can't say enough bad things about watching an IMAX film on an OMNI screen.  I felt really, really bad for the poor suckers who were standing in line with paid tickets for the midnight showing.  I almost wanted to be one of those dickheads to shout "don't pay for it! see it somewhere else!"  But then I figured just like Superman, I couldn't save everyone.  Man, I can't wait for this DVD to come out so I can actually watch the film.  Damn unfortunate is what it is.

    -Tucker